Something new.

Peaceful sadness. It's quite beautiful. I've found that when I really focus on how I've ended up here, in this spot in time, I tend to dwell on my past mistakes. But I can change that into what not to do the next time a similar situation rears its head.
And praying. Always back to praying. Not just for what I need. But what God wants from me. Hard? Heck yes. Worth it? Always.

"And the worst part is, before it gets, any better we're headed for a cliff. And in the free-fall I will realize I'm better off, when I hit the bottom."

Thankful for...

I'm thankful for my family, even if we don't see things on the same page. I've had a life growing up that a lot of others only see on tv. Not that we were rich and glamorous by any means. But I grew up with a lot of support and love. Even if the support isn't complete anymore, there's still love. And for that I will always be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Had David Bowie in my head since last night. I'm not really complaining. It could be worse. It is quite fitting. My last day at St. Luke's Rehabilitation Institute. Crazy.
I won't go on about the ups and downs. They're there. And I'm very thankful.
Now on towards something different. I'm ready.
There's not one person I've ever come across that hasn't said "I wish I could start over" at some point in their life.
Here's my chance.

Put out the fire.

Going through therapy and reading a lot self-help books is something I never thought about growing up. "When I'm in my late 20s, I want to be an emotional wreck and go through counseling." Hahaha. But things happen. Patterns form. Not just physical patterns like smoking or drinking or over-eating, but mental patterns. And for me, they aren't/weren't the healthiest. Anyone who's gotten to know me within the last 4 years can easily agree to this. I'm not proud by any means. I'm not making excuses. Just stating facts. If anything, it's humbling because how embarassing it is for me to think about the past. I can't do anything but change. Continuing in that lifestyle can no longer be a possibility.
The thing I really, really like about my therapist is the material she's given me. Anything from books to quotes to printed-off handouts. They always relay to one thing: Myself. My character. What I'm capable of doing. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, it's about what I can do. I've been to a counselor before, and this wasn't even close to how it went. He was very sweet. But he became one of the most expensive listeners I've ever encountered. No advice. No facts about psychology. Maybe that works for others, and that's wonderful.
So I've been studying up on behavior. I won't pull a Tom Cruise here, no worries. But it does make complete sense to me. My problem isn't recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's staying the hell away from it.
Someone used the example of forming a habit by touching fire. When you first get close to a flame, you feel the heat. When you put your hand into it, it hurts. Your body forms a physical pathway to your brain telling you that fire = pain. A neurological pathway. Some reactions are more obvious than others, but the point is the more you do something, the more pathways are made and the easier it is to do whatever it is you're doing.
Duh.
So how do I break it? Because I have an inclination to keep walking towards it, how do I put out the fire? For me, I've learned that pulling myself out of situations is key. I've heard lots of smokers talk about triggers that make it nearly impossible to quit smoking whenever they encounter one. So they avoid the trigger altogether to be successful.
Makes sense, again.
What I'm trying to balance is judgement, too. I have friends that say "you're better than so and so" or "they're not good enough for you." I understand what they're saying. But I really believe that I'm not. We all have struggles. Every single person. Even the ones who look like they have it all together. I see this as something else that connects people. I'm not better than them. Pretty sure Jesus never said "I'm better than you."
What it comes down to. I can't help a drowning man if my arms and legs are broken. Let the healing continue.

Charlie Brown

This is my happy song from Mylo Xyloto. Plus it reminds me of my bro-in-law so it makes me smile whenever it comes on. Today I need lots of smiles. Half a Snickers? Okay :) And actually, I had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got out of my exit interview. Cheers for pumpkin lattes from good friends!

Jam session last night. It's been a while since I've had one. Actually, I think it was late spring. That's too long for a musician to go. Warming up is always different. At least for me. Sometimes I just sit there not motivated. The guitarists and keyboardists can lead their own song by themselves. Plink away here. Strum there. A song forms. Drummers, notsomuch. So I sit. And wait. Because when I start going it gets insanely loud. I think boy drummers like that aspect. Trying out some new songs started out intimidating but once you cut loose...there's really no description. I love how formatic it is. Trying to hit the right tom at the right time. Trying to play outside the box. So hard when natural rhythm kicks in. I explained it to someone like a puzzle. It can complete a song or completely destroy it. I play how I feel. I use intuition. Sure, I wish I was more learned. If I put in the time and money, I could be. But for the most part, I like how I play. It's simple. But always there (except for the total bummer mess-ups hahaha). It builds when it needs to and fades away when called for. It's me.
There are three things in my life that really portray who I am:
My name.
My clothes.
My drumming.

If my life had a time signature, it'd be 3/4 to 6/8. Like Paramore's My Heart. But without the emo screaming...

6 years in the making.

Officially my last week of work and it's sinking in today. A lot of people have said their "goodbye"(s) and "we'll miss you"(s). Interesting how quickly words can travel. Interesting and scary, actually.
I'm excited for my new job. Mostly excited to meet new people. I'm really fortunate that I've met such wonderful hearts here. But I like going out and seeing who else can give me a new perspective. Who else I can learn from. We'll see if I have this attitude after next week...woohoo, Yakima! Miner Burger everynight? I think so. Okay, not really. I don't want to have to buy new jeans.
Scripture for the day that hits home EVERY.TIME.
Romans 5:3-5.

Woohoo!

Coldplay's new album came out today and I'm declaring that it's the only music I'll listen to today. Well. Except for the background music that I'm really trying to block out from my coworker's computer. Soft rock has a place and time...just not everyday. Last week in one day, it went from Gloria Estefan to Shania Twain to Rod Stewart.
*shudder*
Surprisingly, the duet with Rihanna isn't as bad as I expected. It's quite catchy.
Maybe I'm losing my mind. Or just determined to fall in love with this album. Music never lets me down.

Healing Act

Thousands of seconds chasing one day
Countless desires chasing you away
I once believed it was the right place but wrong time
Dumbfounded, I admit you were never meant to be mine
A strike on the hand, I'd take for a forgotten heart
Beating but pleading for a newly resistant part
Don the mask of makeup to keep playing the immortal role
Released, I renounce the grasp of a hopeful soul

1 John 4:7&8

Now I have that insanely cheesy song I learned from VBS stuck in my head. At least I memorized a scripture, right? Oh, the days of Father Abraham and The Lord told Noah to build him an arkey-arkey.
Experienced something new today. Being called a rather hateful name is something I'm not used to. I can only recall being called a really rude word once in my life. Today, another one came my way. And you know what? It made me feel sad for the person whose lips it came out of. I didn't do anything to warrant it. He just has so much anger in himself, he thought he'd feel better if he tore me down. It's too bad.
I'm thankful I didn't let it hurt me. I'm thankful that I'm not angry like that. I'm thankful God is bigger than name calling. I'm not saying this like I'm exempt from being angry or even petty name calling. It's a lesson, though. 
Here's to lessons.

Proverbs 13:20

My reasonings aren't excuses for the mistakes I've made. And I'll admit to why I thought at one point they were. Everyday goes by, and I think about my more recent ones. Everyone has them. And those who love you accept them. Holds you responsible, but accepts them. Even bring them to your attention so you can realize what you've done. Not throw them in your face to make you feel bad. I've done that, too. And sometimes my gut reaction might be to do so still. But deep down I know everybody deserves forgiveness.
We're all the same.

Not overcome by failure
But overcome by grace
Delivered forgiveness waiting
Each time I fall on my face
Not worthy of another beginning
Yet allowed each time with Love
Am I strong enough to do the same thing
What's my heart capable of?

Overcast

Destructive weather
Am I set in your path
How long will I stand
In the storm of your wrath
Can I protect my flesh
Against the whip of your wind
Is it possibly to stay dry
When you're soaking my skin
Do I bow to your power
Or call you for what you are
A force beyond my control
A force that pushes too hard
I've always been one
For the cold and rainy days
But God, I need warmth as well
For my sanity to stay
Jacket.Hat.Gloves.Scarf.
Always worn to protect my heart.

And when it rains...

Ode to Paramore today. Yet another band/artist that keeps comforting me throughout this transition. I'm thankful I have them. Emotions aside, it was a rather good weekend, for which I'm also thankful that I have some wonderful people in my life who continue to help me take steps everyday. Pepper spray now in hand, I'm equipped with a few different types of weapons, physical and spiritual, that are making me stronger for daily challenges.
Okay. I may have been playing a little too much 360...I won't compare myself to XMen... :S
Random thought.
I don't want to stop seeing good in people. For the time being, I've shut it down so I can put myself back together. But eventually, when I'm stronger, I want to give back. To listen. To offer advice (if I have anything worth saying, God help me). To give someone a ride or to make someone's lunch. Because I love those things. Giving those things to someone makes me want to live everday. Maybe Joey was right. Maybe there is no good deed that isn't selfish. I'll keep living like Phoebe, though. But I won't sting myself with a bee. Lesson learned.

By the way. Thoroughly confused.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15060310

Breezy Current

Have you ever had that feeling where there's a window in the background, and you can tell trees and bushes are moving outside in the breeze, but it's not until you actually stop what you're doing and sit still and look out and it's like..being pushed backward through a tunnel? Because all of these thoughts the run through your mind give you the impression that you're moving and the outside stands still. Maybe your fingers are from typing or texting or your eyes are from reading. Busy, busy, busy. Kinda like when you're walking on a bridge and the water is rushing so quickly underneath and then when you pause and look into the current, it almost knocks you off your feet.
Stop.
My world's moving. And I'm trying to keep up. Why am I so afraid to stop and let it turn a little? Eventually, everything comes back around. Well, the things that are supposed to. Right?
Right.

I was tired of January. Tired of June

I felt a change a comin. Whoaa-ohhh-ohhh
Yeah yeah. I keep talking about change. Guess that doesn't change...*bah-dum-dum. Plus KT Tunstall is always in my head, so today it's that song.
I'm trying extra hard to be excited about this weekend. Doing a few things I normally wouldn't do, but overall I believe are good for me. Plus I know two peeps that are getting tats and that's something to always look forward to! Well. Unless it's a portrait of JLo or something.
One of the ARNPs at work is leaving next week and I'm really going to miss her. It's funny how our work relationship has changed. She was a little frightening before, but now I think she's delightful...even though she just yelled at me for not finding a chart (which was already in the piled she picked). I like it. She told me she thinks I should go back to school because she doesn't believe I'm utilizing my full potential. I asked what she meant because, hellooo, I work in Medical Record and I haven't been over-exerting myself for almost a year now. How would she know what I'm capable of? She said she can tell that I have intelligence and wit that shouldn't be wasted here just from our conversations. Odd, since I thought I was mostly sarcastic and dry whenever we'd chat. When I mentioned some of my future prospects, she got really excited for me. So. That's rather encouraging.
Yes, I did just honk my own horn. Feels good.

Wow.

And I'm complaining about how dark it's getting by 8pm..
http://isanglitrongliwanag.org/

Dawn's quote.

The people that you choose to let influence you will determine your life path, and the excuses you succumb to will only serve to dilute the truth and hinder your growth as a person.

Romans 5

Memory verse for this year. When I was younger, I used to get cookies and juice for reciting memory verses to my Sunday School teachers. Is it wrong to treat myself with a beer? Probably.
God, help me to "...rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa1Z9OLnmeg
Proverbs 10:18. I don't want to be that fool.
 
If anybody reads this, I'd appreciate your prayers. I'm really struggling right now. Thank you for your time.

Swimming Lessons

Once again drowning
This time different surroundings
But the environment is known all too well
Light hits the surface
But is there even a purpose
When I'm so far under I can't even tell

Submerging myself
Giving into the surroundings
Surely life exists under this surface as well
But my body resists the notion
The dream to live in this ocean
Will surely surrender to the painful swell

They say storms will pass
And I'll remember the day
When the sun lights up the cloudless skies
Should I wait it out treading
And fight the calmness that I'm dreading
For another storm coming that causes me to dive

I need a life saver
A raft to take me to safety
To never set foot near the ocean again
To live purely on land
I'll bury my feet in the sand
And bid farewell to the sea of pain

Quote it up.

I keep getting smacked in the head with "living in the moment" lessons from people who I think have good intentions, but intentions don't constitute fact or truth.
Up at 2 in the morning. Laying. Thinking. Praying. Cursing. Reading. Lots of words swimming in my mind's eye. I see them all. Especially ones I try to turn a blind eye to. No luck.
I've found that Nietzsche can be a pretty funny guy. I don't agree with everything he says. That doesn't mean I don't find him to be truthful in some things.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
See? Funny.
Then I turned to kind of what I see as Nietzsche's polar oppostite; Kierkegaard. I've found him to be a comfort. More of a warmth I get from hugging my pastor. Or the feeling of sitting through a coffee date with a friend who you admire, listening to them talk for a good 20 minutes and thinking "Man, that totally makes sense and I think I've become more intelligent because of it."
Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.
Lots to chew on. Words from men that lived well over 100 years ago. Weird.

Speechless.

But not really. Because otherwise I wouldn't be writing. It'll be short though because I still have a hard time believing the past two weeks. And I keep learning more that makes it even more painful. What do I do with it? Deal. Pray for them. Pray for myself. Hope I never meet another like them. Two times is more than enough.
My colors change
Like the leaves have started
I never dreamed
That one day we'd part
But fall has come
And fallen, I have

More than...

I understand convenience. I understand the need/strong desire to fix what's wrong as soon as possible. And I think that's possible for some things, thankfully. But for others, notsomuch.
I want to be more than a bandaid. I want to be more than a good feeling that takes away the symptoms but doesn't heal the disease. It can be an unhealthy yoyo lifestyle to get into, back and forth, a perpetual game of tennis that stings and soothes with every rally.
Haha, I've played that game. A lot. I think it's becoming easier to recognize, at least. And I think I have the right mindset and heart to deal with it like God would want me to. At least, I hope it's how he wants me to.
2 more days til 28. Still sounds so crazy to me.
I wanna kick it off right.

journaling. blogging. what's the diff?

People keep telling me to journal. Isn't this basically the same thing? Probably not. I tend to censor names and actual events online. But it still is helpful, I find.
I made yet another step forward yesterday. A small one, but with a couple hundred more, I may be in a completely different place. That's the hope, anyway.
I have a lot of options. Options I didn't know were out there. Funny how things don't just fall into your lap. Hmm. Interesting.
Here's to moving forward and keeping my eyes open for God. And trying not to forget where I've come from.

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophies.

It's definitely getting cooler. 60 degrees this morning at 6:30. I drove up to Safeway on 29th to get coffee creamer for work. It felt like the beginning of fall. Usually I'd be bubbling up with joy inside. I love the drive up Rockwood Blvd. It reminds me of the fall. The fall is my favorite. It saved me last year. This year, I wonder if it can do the same.
KT Tunstall Pandora. All day long.
Meeting with someone today who can maybe shed some light on changes that could take place for me. I'm really hoping it goes well.
I overcame one hurdle this weekend. My sister is my best friend. She loves me no matter how much of a failure I feel like I am.
One step at a time.

10 226.7816 days

I know old people. I know young kids. I know in betweens and some my age. I can remember two specific points in time where I believe my life changed significantly, like a lightening bolt that struck me twice within 5 years. 

Looking back, those moments don't change. They're still very much real. But my life now is nowhere what it was then, despite their realities. Now, I find myself wishing another bolt would come and strike again. Maybe I need to stand outside during the storm and hold up my umbrella. I already feel the rain soaking through. Even when change happens, and it paralyzes you with pain that starts emotionally but consumes your physicality...you wish it would keep going. I have to keep going.

28 years.

Even if I learned one significant lesson each year to hold 28 lessons in my hands, you would think that would make me somewhat wise. 28 major life lessons isn't anything to scoff at. I'm pretty sure I was faced with more than one a year...so what I should know and believe should be pretty well on its way to being concrete. Experience creates wisdom, right? Maybe?

Right now isn't one of those times. Questioning everything I've learned. Everything. Does that count as faith? Or a doubter's anthem. 

Solomon felt like a child when God gave him his Father's throne. Looks like I'm not the only one who feels like a kid trapped in an adult world. 

I want wisdom.

Happy birthday to me.

Trying to remember.

Romans 5

Peace and Hope

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Good thing I have Hope tattooed on my body.

Proverbs 18:13

"Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Sounds about right to me. I'm not saying I'm void of guilt regarding this scripture, but I try really really hard to listen to the words that come out of someone's mouth and target the point before saying or asking anything. Haha, I don't easily embarrass, but one thing that does get me is when I'm talking and before I know it, I have no idea what I just said or why I'm even talking so I stop myself and say, "I'm sorry, I have no idea where I'm going with this."
Guilty.
But I won't stop trying. Because people have done this to me. Because I don't deserve that. And neither does anyone else. People don't listen before they retort. There are few people I enjoy fighting with. For the most part, I'm not a fan of spending the majority of my days sick to my stomach because of an argument with someone I care about.
Just to get it out there.
There it is.
Reevaluating never ceases. It goes on and on and on and on and on and...........
Cheers.

Summer anthem

Some of my favorite lyrics of all time. And thanks to S. Lumsden for discussing it with me last night. Cheers.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear

But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJb_Sq7_jjo

La bataille constante.

Am I so selfish, that I believe I'm always the victim
Do I demand solice and sympathy from everyone around
Or is there really a broken heart, trying to heal within
Reasoning and surrender sometimes are so profound
It's not that I grow tired,
Mostly tired of myself
Am I so different, my thought processes
Is my heart really different from everyone else
Soldier, fight
Will there ever be a rest in life
With no one to blame
I've chosen this voluntarily
Keep standing
Keep your faith
Keep attention
If nothing else to gain

Learn to believe in yourself one more time
Isaiah 40:29

Broken hearts & brand new starts

Oi.
Let's just say it's one of those days. I guess the good news is, it seems to be that way for mostly everyone.
Or maybe that's a little selfish.
Either way, I'm okay with it.
So my question for the day (out of many) is this: Why do people care about somebody else's business?
Actually, that's not worded exactly the way I want. It's not so much about being down with OPP (yeah you know me!) but rather how people react.
Here's the most recent reaction that's got me struggling tough.
I know I have people in my life that care about me and I am VERY thankful for them. Very. I value their opinions and respect them. Well, try to.
But the thing I struggle the most with is when they feel I'm doing something wrong, or even something they don't agree with, they express concern with anger. Downright hatefulness sometimes. I've experienced this most recently as today. And let me ask you, lonely reader: "What the frack?"
Do you think it's really going to help me re-evaluate my choice/decision/opinion? Really?
Chances are, not a chance.
I'm much more open to looking more deeply at myself if someone approaches me with actual concern. Making me feel stupid or completely wrong is hurtful and if anything makes me want nothing to do with you.
Apparently, other people feel the same way I do. I see it in my friendships. I see it at work. I see it on stupid reality tv shows. It baffles me.
So let's stop the anger. Deal? Sure, go ahead and get mad that gas prices are going up along with insurances. Get frustrated that every major arterial is under construction. But getting angry with someone for their belief is counter-productive.
So there's my rant.
Let love win.
And bring me some chocolate milk. Please.

Cheers.

hear it learn it live it

Time to be selfish. I think this is partly because of the 3 seasons of Entourage I've watched in 2 days. Here's my list anyway.
1. A Maserati given to me to drive around and be seen in for one year.
2. Another tattoo, although I'm still not sure what yet. Alas, my new permanent ink shall wait.
3. My white Fossil to be fixed. The only one to blame for this is me.
4. My last name back.
5. My old waistline back.
6. A lifetime supply of diet ginger ale.
7. A Macbook Pro. I have no need for one, however, so I will stick with my PC until it starts smoking. Bad habit.
8. To stop feeling guilty for how I acted the past year of my life. Not classy. Nor loving.
9. To go to Hogwarts. Movie set, Universal Studios, or the one yet to be built in England. I want to go to there.
10. A fulltime job.

Ten seems like a good number for now. You can contact me for shipping information.
Cheers.

K