Had David Bowie in my head since last night. I'm not really complaining. It could be worse. It is quite fitting. My last day at St. Luke's Rehabilitation Institute. Crazy.
I won't go on about the ups and downs. They're there. And I'm very thankful.
Now on towards something different. I'm ready.
There's not one person I've ever come across that hasn't said "I wish I could start over" at some point in their life.
Here's my chance.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Put out the fire.
Going through therapy and reading a lot self-help books is something I never thought about growing up. "When I'm in my late 20s, I want to be an emotional wreck and go through counseling." Hahaha. But things happen. Patterns form. Not just physical patterns like smoking or drinking or over-eating, but mental patterns. And for me, they aren't/weren't the healthiest. Anyone who's gotten to know me within the last 4 years can easily agree to this. I'm not proud by any means. I'm not making excuses. Just stating facts. If anything, it's humbling because how embarassing it is for me to think about the past. I can't do anything but change. Continuing in that lifestyle can no longer be a possibility.
The thing I really, really like about my therapist is the material she's given me. Anything from books to quotes to printed-off handouts. They always relay to one thing: Myself. My character. What I'm capable of doing. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, it's about what I can do. I've been to a counselor before, and this wasn't even close to how it went. He was very sweet. But he became one of the most expensive listeners I've ever encountered. No advice. No facts about psychology. Maybe that works for others, and that's wonderful.
So I've been studying up on behavior. I won't pull a Tom Cruise here, no worries. But it does make complete sense to me. My problem isn't recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's staying the hell away from it.
Someone used the example of forming a habit by touching fire. When you first get close to a flame, you feel the heat. When you put your hand into it, it hurts. Your body forms a physical pathway to your brain telling you that fire = pain. A neurological pathway. Some reactions are more obvious than others, but the point is the more you do something, the more pathways are made and the easier it is to do whatever it is you're doing.
Duh.
So how do I break it? Because I have an inclination to keep walking towards it, how do I put out the fire? For me, I've learned that pulling myself out of situations is key. I've heard lots of smokers talk about triggers that make it nearly impossible to quit smoking whenever they encounter one. So they avoid the trigger altogether to be successful.
Makes sense, again.
What I'm trying to balance is judgement, too. I have friends that say "you're better than so and so" or "they're not good enough for you." I understand what they're saying. But I really believe that I'm not. We all have struggles. Every single person. Even the ones who look like they have it all together. I see this as something else that connects people. I'm not better than them. Pretty sure Jesus never said "I'm better than you."
What it comes down to. I can't help a drowning man if my arms and legs are broken. Let the healing continue.
The thing I really, really like about my therapist is the material she's given me. Anything from books to quotes to printed-off handouts. They always relay to one thing: Myself. My character. What I'm capable of doing. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, it's about what I can do. I've been to a counselor before, and this wasn't even close to how it went. He was very sweet. But he became one of the most expensive listeners I've ever encountered. No advice. No facts about psychology. Maybe that works for others, and that's wonderful.
So I've been studying up on behavior. I won't pull a Tom Cruise here, no worries. But it does make complete sense to me. My problem isn't recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's staying the hell away from it.
Someone used the example of forming a habit by touching fire. When you first get close to a flame, you feel the heat. When you put your hand into it, it hurts. Your body forms a physical pathway to your brain telling you that fire = pain. A neurological pathway. Some reactions are more obvious than others, but the point is the more you do something, the more pathways are made and the easier it is to do whatever it is you're doing.
Duh.
So how do I break it? Because I have an inclination to keep walking towards it, how do I put out the fire? For me, I've learned that pulling myself out of situations is key. I've heard lots of smokers talk about triggers that make it nearly impossible to quit smoking whenever they encounter one. So they avoid the trigger altogether to be successful.
Makes sense, again.
What I'm trying to balance is judgement, too. I have friends that say "you're better than so and so" or "they're not good enough for you." I understand what they're saying. But I really believe that I'm not. We all have struggles. Every single person. Even the ones who look like they have it all together. I see this as something else that connects people. I'm not better than them. Pretty sure Jesus never said "I'm better than you."
What it comes down to. I can't help a drowning man if my arms and legs are broken. Let the healing continue.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Charlie Brown
This is my happy song from Mylo Xyloto. Plus it reminds me of my bro-in-law so it makes me smile whenever it comes on. Today I need lots of smiles. Half a Snickers? Okay :) And actually, I had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got out of my exit interview. Cheers for pumpkin lattes from good friends!
Jam session last night. It's been a while since I've had one. Actually, I think it was late spring. That's too long for a musician to go. Warming up is always different. At least for me. Sometimes I just sit there not motivated. The guitarists and keyboardists can lead their own song by themselves. Plink away here. Strum there. A song forms. Drummers, notsomuch. So I sit. And wait. Because when I start going it gets insanely loud. I think boy drummers like that aspect. Trying out some new songs started out intimidating but once you cut loose...there's really no description. I love how formatic it is. Trying to hit the right tom at the right time. Trying to play outside the box. So hard when natural rhythm kicks in. I explained it to someone like a puzzle. It can complete a song or completely destroy it. I play how I feel. I use intuition. Sure, I wish I was more learned. If I put in the time and money, I could be. But for the most part, I like how I play. It's simple. But always there (except for the total bummer mess-ups hahaha). It builds when it needs to and fades away when called for. It's me.
There are three things in my life that really portray who I am:
My name.
My clothes.
My drumming.
If my life had a time signature, it'd be 3/4 to 6/8. Like Paramore's My Heart. But without the emo screaming...
Jam session last night. It's been a while since I've had one. Actually, I think it was late spring. That's too long for a musician to go. Warming up is always different. At least for me. Sometimes I just sit there not motivated. The guitarists and keyboardists can lead their own song by themselves. Plink away here. Strum there. A song forms. Drummers, notsomuch. So I sit. And wait. Because when I start going it gets insanely loud. I think boy drummers like that aspect. Trying out some new songs started out intimidating but once you cut loose...there's really no description. I love how formatic it is. Trying to hit the right tom at the right time. Trying to play outside the box. So hard when natural rhythm kicks in. I explained it to someone like a puzzle. It can complete a song or completely destroy it. I play how I feel. I use intuition. Sure, I wish I was more learned. If I put in the time and money, I could be. But for the most part, I like how I play. It's simple. But always there (except for the total bummer mess-ups hahaha). It builds when it needs to and fades away when called for. It's me.
There are three things in my life that really portray who I am:
My name.
My clothes.
My drumming.
If my life had a time signature, it'd be 3/4 to 6/8. Like Paramore's My Heart. But without the emo screaming...
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
6 years in the making.
Officially my last week of work and it's sinking in today. A lot of people have said their "goodbye"(s) and "we'll miss you"(s). Interesting how quickly words can travel. Interesting and scary, actually.
I'm excited for my new job. Mostly excited to meet new people. I'm really fortunate that I've met such wonderful hearts here. But I like going out and seeing who else can give me a new perspective. Who else I can learn from. We'll see if I have this attitude after next week...woohoo, Yakima! Miner Burger everynight? I think so. Okay, not really. I don't want to have to buy new jeans.
Scripture for the day that hits home EVERY.TIME.
Romans 5:3-5.
I'm excited for my new job. Mostly excited to meet new people. I'm really fortunate that I've met such wonderful hearts here. But I like going out and seeing who else can give me a new perspective. Who else I can learn from. We'll see if I have this attitude after next week...woohoo, Yakima! Miner Burger everynight? I think so. Okay, not really. I don't want to have to buy new jeans.
Scripture for the day that hits home EVERY.TIME.
Romans 5:3-5.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Woohoo!
Coldplay's new album came out today and I'm declaring that it's the only music I'll listen to today. Well. Except for the background music that I'm really trying to block out from my coworker's computer. Soft rock has a place and time...just not everyday. Last week in one day, it went from Gloria Estefan to Shania Twain to Rod Stewart.
*shudder*
Surprisingly, the duet with Rihanna isn't as bad as I expected. It's quite catchy.
Maybe I'm losing my mind. Or just determined to fall in love with this album. Music never lets me down.
*shudder*
Surprisingly, the duet with Rihanna isn't as bad as I expected. It's quite catchy.
Maybe I'm losing my mind. Or just determined to fall in love with this album. Music never lets me down.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Healing Act
Thousands of seconds chasing one day
Countless desires chasing you away
I once believed it was the right place but wrong time
Dumbfounded, I admit you were never meant to be mine
A strike on the hand, I'd take for a forgotten heart
Beating but pleading for a newly resistant part
Don the mask of makeup to keep playing the immortal role
Released, I renounce the grasp of a hopeful soul
Countless desires chasing you away
I once believed it was the right place but wrong time
Dumbfounded, I admit you were never meant to be mine
A strike on the hand, I'd take for a forgotten heart
Beating but pleading for a newly resistant part
Don the mask of makeup to keep playing the immortal role
Released, I renounce the grasp of a hopeful soul
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
1 John 4:7&8
Now I have that insanely cheesy song I learned from VBS stuck in my head. At least I memorized a scripture, right? Oh, the days of Father Abraham and The Lord told Noah to build him an arkey-arkey.
Experienced something new today. Being called a rather hateful name is something I'm not used to. I can only recall being called a really rude word once in my life. Today, another one came my way. And you know what? It made me feel sad for the person whose lips it came out of. I didn't do anything to warrant it. He just has so much anger in himself, he thought he'd feel better if he tore me down. It's too bad.
I'm thankful I didn't let it hurt me. I'm thankful that I'm not angry like that. I'm thankful God is bigger than name calling. I'm not saying this like I'm exempt from being angry or even petty name calling. It's a lesson, though.
Here's to lessons.
Experienced something new today. Being called a rather hateful name is something I'm not used to. I can only recall being called a really rude word once in my life. Today, another one came my way. And you know what? It made me feel sad for the person whose lips it came out of. I didn't do anything to warrant it. He just has so much anger in himself, he thought he'd feel better if he tore me down. It's too bad.
I'm thankful I didn't let it hurt me. I'm thankful that I'm not angry like that. I'm thankful God is bigger than name calling. I'm not saying this like I'm exempt from being angry or even petty name calling. It's a lesson, though.
Here's to lessons.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Proverbs 13:20
My reasonings aren't excuses for the mistakes I've made. And I'll admit to why I thought at one point they were. Everyday goes by, and I think about my more recent ones. Everyone has them. And those who love you accept them. Holds you responsible, but accepts them. Even bring them to your attention so you can realize what you've done. Not throw them in your face to make you feel bad. I've done that, too. And sometimes my gut reaction might be to do so still. But deep down I know everybody deserves forgiveness.
We're all the same.
Not overcome by failure
But overcome by grace
Delivered forgiveness waiting
Each time I fall on my face
Not worthy of another beginning
Yet allowed each time with Love
Am I strong enough to do the same thing
What's my heart capable of?
We're all the same.
Not overcome by failure
But overcome by grace
Delivered forgiveness waiting
Each time I fall on my face
Not worthy of another beginning
Yet allowed each time with Love
Am I strong enough to do the same thing
What's my heart capable of?
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Overcast
Destructive weather
Am I set in your path
How long will I stand
In the storm of your wrath
Can I protect my flesh
Against the whip of your wind
Is it possibly to stay dry
When you're soaking my skin
Do I bow to your power
Or call you for what you are
A force beyond my control
A force that pushes too hard
I've always been one
For the cold and rainy days
But God, I need warmth as well
For my sanity to stay
Jacket.Hat.Gloves.Scarf.
Always worn to protect my heart.
Am I set in your path
How long will I stand
In the storm of your wrath
Can I protect my flesh
Against the whip of your wind
Is it possibly to stay dry
When you're soaking my skin
Do I bow to your power
Or call you for what you are
A force beyond my control
A force that pushes too hard
I've always been one
For the cold and rainy days
But God, I need warmth as well
For my sanity to stay
Jacket.Hat.Gloves.Scarf.
Always worn to protect my heart.
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