And when it rains...

Ode to Paramore today. Yet another band/artist that keeps comforting me throughout this transition. I'm thankful I have them. Emotions aside, it was a rather good weekend, for which I'm also thankful that I have some wonderful people in my life who continue to help me take steps everyday. Pepper spray now in hand, I'm equipped with a few different types of weapons, physical and spiritual, that are making me stronger for daily challenges.
Okay. I may have been playing a little too much 360...I won't compare myself to XMen... :S
Random thought.
I don't want to stop seeing good in people. For the time being, I've shut it down so I can put myself back together. But eventually, when I'm stronger, I want to give back. To listen. To offer advice (if I have anything worth saying, God help me). To give someone a ride or to make someone's lunch. Because I love those things. Giving those things to someone makes me want to live everday. Maybe Joey was right. Maybe there is no good deed that isn't selfish. I'll keep living like Phoebe, though. But I won't sting myself with a bee. Lesson learned.

By the way. Thoroughly confused.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15060310

Breezy Current

Have you ever had that feeling where there's a window in the background, and you can tell trees and bushes are moving outside in the breeze, but it's not until you actually stop what you're doing and sit still and look out and it's like..being pushed backward through a tunnel? Because all of these thoughts the run through your mind give you the impression that you're moving and the outside stands still. Maybe your fingers are from typing or texting or your eyes are from reading. Busy, busy, busy. Kinda like when you're walking on a bridge and the water is rushing so quickly underneath and then when you pause and look into the current, it almost knocks you off your feet.
Stop.
My world's moving. And I'm trying to keep up. Why am I so afraid to stop and let it turn a little? Eventually, everything comes back around. Well, the things that are supposed to. Right?
Right.

I was tired of January. Tired of June

I felt a change a comin. Whoaa-ohhh-ohhh
Yeah yeah. I keep talking about change. Guess that doesn't change...*bah-dum-dum. Plus KT Tunstall is always in my head, so today it's that song.
I'm trying extra hard to be excited about this weekend. Doing a few things I normally wouldn't do, but overall I believe are good for me. Plus I know two peeps that are getting tats and that's something to always look forward to! Well. Unless it's a portrait of JLo or something.
One of the ARNPs at work is leaving next week and I'm really going to miss her. It's funny how our work relationship has changed. She was a little frightening before, but now I think she's delightful...even though she just yelled at me for not finding a chart (which was already in the piled she picked). I like it. She told me she thinks I should go back to school because she doesn't believe I'm utilizing my full potential. I asked what she meant because, hellooo, I work in Medical Record and I haven't been over-exerting myself for almost a year now. How would she know what I'm capable of? She said she can tell that I have intelligence and wit that shouldn't be wasted here just from our conversations. Odd, since I thought I was mostly sarcastic and dry whenever we'd chat. When I mentioned some of my future prospects, she got really excited for me. So. That's rather encouraging.
Yes, I did just honk my own horn. Feels good.

Wow.

And I'm complaining about how dark it's getting by 8pm..
http://isanglitrongliwanag.org/

Dawn's quote.

The people that you choose to let influence you will determine your life path, and the excuses you succumb to will only serve to dilute the truth and hinder your growth as a person.

Romans 5

Memory verse for this year. When I was younger, I used to get cookies and juice for reciting memory verses to my Sunday School teachers. Is it wrong to treat myself with a beer? Probably.
God, help me to "...rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa1Z9OLnmeg
Proverbs 10:18. I don't want to be that fool.
 
If anybody reads this, I'd appreciate your prayers. I'm really struggling right now. Thank you for your time.

Swimming Lessons

Once again drowning
This time different surroundings
But the environment is known all too well
Light hits the surface
But is there even a purpose
When I'm so far under I can't even tell

Submerging myself
Giving into the surroundings
Surely life exists under this surface as well
But my body resists the notion
The dream to live in this ocean
Will surely surrender to the painful swell

They say storms will pass
And I'll remember the day
When the sun lights up the cloudless skies
Should I wait it out treading
And fight the calmness that I'm dreading
For another storm coming that causes me to dive

I need a life saver
A raft to take me to safety
To never set foot near the ocean again
To live purely on land
I'll bury my feet in the sand
And bid farewell to the sea of pain

Quote it up.

I keep getting smacked in the head with "living in the moment" lessons from people who I think have good intentions, but intentions don't constitute fact or truth.
Up at 2 in the morning. Laying. Thinking. Praying. Cursing. Reading. Lots of words swimming in my mind's eye. I see them all. Especially ones I try to turn a blind eye to. No luck.
I've found that Nietzsche can be a pretty funny guy. I don't agree with everything he says. That doesn't mean I don't find him to be truthful in some things.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
See? Funny.
Then I turned to kind of what I see as Nietzsche's polar oppostite; Kierkegaard. I've found him to be a comfort. More of a warmth I get from hugging my pastor. Or the feeling of sitting through a coffee date with a friend who you admire, listening to them talk for a good 20 minutes and thinking "Man, that totally makes sense and I think I've become more intelligent because of it."
Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.
Lots to chew on. Words from men that lived well over 100 years ago. Weird.

Speechless.

But not really. Because otherwise I wouldn't be writing. It'll be short though because I still have a hard time believing the past two weeks. And I keep learning more that makes it even more painful. What do I do with it? Deal. Pray for them. Pray for myself. Hope I never meet another like them. Two times is more than enough.
My colors change
Like the leaves have started
I never dreamed
That one day we'd part
But fall has come
And fallen, I have