Revisit

Learning who I am and becoming comfortable (not in the sense of "feeling comfortable") with my decisions has been a heavy burden to carry. Along the way I've had all of the human highs and lows possible. Empathy to apathy. I've been stuck for the past few months. Although in my mind, I'm conscious of my life, my spirit has felt trapped. I haven't fed it with anything other than emotions. And even if some of those feelings were happy and thankful, they weren't genuine enough. And I became reliant upon others to make me feel valued, to determine my happiness. Time to break the habit.
I took tonight to reflect. Not just on myself. But who I was. And definitely who I want to be. I started with going on a walk and listening to music that could invoke thought, pure thought and questions that require answers. There's no way in hell I'll find them in one afternoon. So I came to the Service Station to read the Bible to start fresh and search for a good place to find these answers.
I can't even begin to describe to you all of the events that have come into my life within the past two years. Some resulted from my choices. Others, life events. Reading in Romans, I come along instruction that directly relate to past failures. Past choices that changed my life and brought me to this exact point in time. It hurts, the humiliation that I was so selfish. And if I wanted to, I could easily become overwhelmed with guilt and self-destruction.
So I kept going.
I found grace. And hope. And faith. And even though I don't completely understand how it all ties together, I know where my foundation lies. I don't believe in the condemnation that some preach against those who don't share the same views. Why should I focus on why someone is so wrong that they should spend an eternity in hell? I'm tired of the scare tactics that encourage us to live a righteous life.
I want Love. True Love. God's Love. The issue becomes now of not accepting this mere thought, but continuing to practice and study and learn. I'm great at repeating thoughts and learned truths. But practicing it it another.
This is a small step that has a huge impact. And I'm going to keep moving towards this direction.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God' people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13

No exceptions. Even those who disagree with me..

Woohoo!

Today is one of those days where you can't help but be annoyingly happy. Things are going so well that I can't stop smiling! Gotta give props to those who keep me in their prayers and love me unconditionally. The blessings in my life are definitely overflowing today. Small gestures can become huge landmarks, and I'm going to keep on trying to see them every waking moment.
Fact. No matter where I've been, what I've done, God will keep giving you blessings if you search for them and thank him for it.
"Watch. Learn. And don't eat my cookie."- Phoebe Buffay

I have a reason to sing.

Biggest blessing: forgiveness of my ignorance
Biggest problem: looking to others for validation
Biggest issue: continuing to listen to my desires to be completed by one person who doesn't feel the same way about me
Biggest strength: God never leaves my side
Biggest weakness: costumed words
Biggest goal: to let myself be me
Biggest smile: God really did make me special. Some people call it weird. But I call it Kasey.

Something new.

Peaceful sadness. It's quite beautiful. I've found that when I really focus on how I've ended up here, in this spot in time, I tend to dwell on my past mistakes. But I can change that into what not to do the next time a similar situation rears its head.
And praying. Always back to praying. Not just for what I need. But what God wants from me. Hard? Heck yes. Worth it? Always.

"And the worst part is, before it gets, any better we're headed for a cliff. And in the free-fall I will realize I'm better off, when I hit the bottom."

Thankful for...

I'm thankful for my family, even if we don't see things on the same page. I've had a life growing up that a lot of others only see on tv. Not that we were rich and glamorous by any means. But I grew up with a lot of support and love. Even if the support isn't complete anymore, there's still love. And for that I will always be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Had David Bowie in my head since last night. I'm not really complaining. It could be worse. It is quite fitting. My last day at St. Luke's Rehabilitation Institute. Crazy.
I won't go on about the ups and downs. They're there. And I'm very thankful.
Now on towards something different. I'm ready.
There's not one person I've ever come across that hasn't said "I wish I could start over" at some point in their life.
Here's my chance.

Put out the fire.

Going through therapy and reading a lot self-help books is something I never thought about growing up. "When I'm in my late 20s, I want to be an emotional wreck and go through counseling." Hahaha. But things happen. Patterns form. Not just physical patterns like smoking or drinking or over-eating, but mental patterns. And for me, they aren't/weren't the healthiest. Anyone who's gotten to know me within the last 4 years can easily agree to this. I'm not proud by any means. I'm not making excuses. Just stating facts. If anything, it's humbling because how embarassing it is for me to think about the past. I can't do anything but change. Continuing in that lifestyle can no longer be a possibility.
The thing I really, really like about my therapist is the material she's given me. Anything from books to quotes to printed-off handouts. They always relay to one thing: Myself. My character. What I'm capable of doing. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, it's about what I can do. I've been to a counselor before, and this wasn't even close to how it went. He was very sweet. But he became one of the most expensive listeners I've ever encountered. No advice. No facts about psychology. Maybe that works for others, and that's wonderful.
So I've been studying up on behavior. I won't pull a Tom Cruise here, no worries. But it does make complete sense to me. My problem isn't recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's staying the hell away from it.
Someone used the example of forming a habit by touching fire. When you first get close to a flame, you feel the heat. When you put your hand into it, it hurts. Your body forms a physical pathway to your brain telling you that fire = pain. A neurological pathway. Some reactions are more obvious than others, but the point is the more you do something, the more pathways are made and the easier it is to do whatever it is you're doing.
Duh.
So how do I break it? Because I have an inclination to keep walking towards it, how do I put out the fire? For me, I've learned that pulling myself out of situations is key. I've heard lots of smokers talk about triggers that make it nearly impossible to quit smoking whenever they encounter one. So they avoid the trigger altogether to be successful.
Makes sense, again.
What I'm trying to balance is judgement, too. I have friends that say "you're better than so and so" or "they're not good enough for you." I understand what they're saying. But I really believe that I'm not. We all have struggles. Every single person. Even the ones who look like they have it all together. I see this as something else that connects people. I'm not better than them. Pretty sure Jesus never said "I'm better than you."
What it comes down to. I can't help a drowning man if my arms and legs are broken. Let the healing continue.