More than...

I understand convenience. I understand the need/strong desire to fix what's wrong as soon as possible. And I think that's possible for some things, thankfully. But for others, notsomuch.
I want to be more than a bandaid. I want to be more than a good feeling that takes away the symptoms but doesn't heal the disease. It can be an unhealthy yoyo lifestyle to get into, back and forth, a perpetual game of tennis that stings and soothes with every rally.
Haha, I've played that game. A lot. I think it's becoming easier to recognize, at least. And I think I have the right mindset and heart to deal with it like God would want me to. At least, I hope it's how he wants me to.
2 more days til 28. Still sounds so crazy to me.
I wanna kick it off right.

journaling. blogging. what's the diff?

People keep telling me to journal. Isn't this basically the same thing? Probably not. I tend to censor names and actual events online. But it still is helpful, I find.
I made yet another step forward yesterday. A small one, but with a couple hundred more, I may be in a completely different place. That's the hope, anyway.
I have a lot of options. Options I didn't know were out there. Funny how things don't just fall into your lap. Hmm. Interesting.
Here's to moving forward and keeping my eyes open for God. And trying not to forget where I've come from.

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophies.

It's definitely getting cooler. 60 degrees this morning at 6:30. I drove up to Safeway on 29th to get coffee creamer for work. It felt like the beginning of fall. Usually I'd be bubbling up with joy inside. I love the drive up Rockwood Blvd. It reminds me of the fall. The fall is my favorite. It saved me last year. This year, I wonder if it can do the same.
KT Tunstall Pandora. All day long.
Meeting with someone today who can maybe shed some light on changes that could take place for me. I'm really hoping it goes well.
I overcame one hurdle this weekend. My sister is my best friend. She loves me no matter how much of a failure I feel like I am.
One step at a time.

10 226.7816 days

I know old people. I know young kids. I know in betweens and some my age. I can remember two specific points in time where I believe my life changed significantly, like a lightening bolt that struck me twice within 5 years. 

Looking back, those moments don't change. They're still very much real. But my life now is nowhere what it was then, despite their realities. Now, I find myself wishing another bolt would come and strike again. Maybe I need to stand outside during the storm and hold up my umbrella. I already feel the rain soaking through. Even when change happens, and it paralyzes you with pain that starts emotionally but consumes your physicality...you wish it would keep going. I have to keep going.

28 years.

Even if I learned one significant lesson each year to hold 28 lessons in my hands, you would think that would make me somewhat wise. 28 major life lessons isn't anything to scoff at. I'm pretty sure I was faced with more than one a year...so what I should know and believe should be pretty well on its way to being concrete. Experience creates wisdom, right? Maybe?

Right now isn't one of those times. Questioning everything I've learned. Everything. Does that count as faith? Or a doubter's anthem. 

Solomon felt like a child when God gave him his Father's throne. Looks like I'm not the only one who feels like a kid trapped in an adult world. 

I want wisdom.

Happy birthday to me.

Trying to remember.

Romans 5

Peace and Hope

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Good thing I have Hope tattooed on my body.

Proverbs 18:13

"Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish."
Sounds about right to me. I'm not saying I'm void of guilt regarding this scripture, but I try really really hard to listen to the words that come out of someone's mouth and target the point before saying or asking anything. Haha, I don't easily embarrass, but one thing that does get me is when I'm talking and before I know it, I have no idea what I just said or why I'm even talking so I stop myself and say, "I'm sorry, I have no idea where I'm going with this."
Guilty.
But I won't stop trying. Because people have done this to me. Because I don't deserve that. And neither does anyone else. People don't listen before they retort. There are few people I enjoy fighting with. For the most part, I'm not a fan of spending the majority of my days sick to my stomach because of an argument with someone I care about.
Just to get it out there.
There it is.
Reevaluating never ceases. It goes on and on and on and on and on and...........
Cheers.

Summer anthem

Some of my favorite lyrics of all time. And thanks to S. Lumsden for discussing it with me last night. Cheers.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear

But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJb_Sq7_jjo