In The Dark

Flyleaf. Maybe screaming isn't your thing. But these lyrics are mine right now.

I've written songs in the dark
I've felt inspired in the dark
I hide myself in the dark
Used to be afraid of the dark
Those in the light know we die in the dark

There's only artificial light here
My flaws hide well here
I used to be afraid of cluttered noises
Now I'm afraid of silence

Fill this space, idle words
I'm scared to death of light and silence
Jesus, kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Now I am mute, despite myself
All of them are gone
The silence overtakes me
The idle words forsake me
And I am left to face me
I'm held accountable
For every idle word
Curse the idle words



I'm scared to death of light and silence
Jesus, kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did
Glory shows up
Exposes us
I'm naked here
Forsaken here, by the dark, by the dark
Damn the dark

I'm scared to death of light and silence
Jesus, kill me inside this
Raise me up to live again
Like you did, like you did

Time alone.

Well, not really alone. I do have a puppy here with me (while the Hawaiian is interviewin a little south of here)...who just decided she would silently pass gas whilst sleeping. I'm not very fond of her at the mo'. Good thing she's so stinkin' cute!
So mostly, I'm blogging for blogging's sake. I don't have a lot to update. This summer has only been her for a couple of months, yet it seems like it's been over half a year. Strange, especially since the weather just started warming up somewhat. I do enjoy the longer daylight, though. It makes me feel more productive. Well, as productive as one can be sitting on the couch and catching up on Dexter or SVU whenever Leila's asleep.
I really do enjoy raising a dog. Sure, she's bitten my face one too many times. But she's a baby. And she reacts pretty well to a sharp pop on the nose thus far. She's definitely growing as well. Over 20 pounds and less than three months. That blows me away. But I think I'm ready for her full-size. I like big dogs. Cleaning up after them? ehhh notsomuch. But we'll deal.
So if you want to burn off some energy and maybe get your toes nibbled on and have nothin better to do, come on over.

Forgotten

Frustration orchestrated Beauty.
Heartbroken stanzas of uncertainty,
replaced peaceful flow with endless sorrow.
Come back to me, my Masterpiece.

Flow with the ease you once found.
Restore my heart to normal sinus sound.
Finish my song with soothing melody around.
Come back to me, my Masterpiece.

"The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it." ~C.S. Lewis

Heart. Head. Head Heart. Where does the logic come from?  What enforces it?
For the past few months, I've seen (and been involved in) a lot of emotional battles ranging from topics of work, relationships, money, politics, food, body image, jealousy, age, blahblahblah.
What's up with that.
Isn't it ironic how someone can become so overwhelmed with emotion that the typical result is numbness? I guess, for a poor analogy, it could be considered to be a drug. Too much and you might od. Just the right balance and you feel warm and fuzzy for several hours. Addicting.
Then the aching comes. They both have it; heartache, headache.
You can take a low dose off NSAIDS to help rid the pain in your head, but what do you do for your heart? What takes that pain away?
Not sleep. Not starving yourself. Not drinking. Or physically hurting yourself. Those are bandaids.
People have to look up at some point-in-time, right?
But why not look right beside you. And re-evaluate why you're there in the first place. I always appreciate those friends that tell me what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it. *note-said information should be told in a loving manner for those of us who are sensitive (and like it that way...thanks, Jewel).

So what more is there to say about this human struggle? I know, how about ask CS Lewis again?

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Word.
Now I just have to take out my earplugs.

Short.

I'm angry.
Who can I punch?

Not much to say.

Events; good and bad. Lots to bring in the New Year. The only thing I want to discuss at the moment is Miep Gies. She died this weekend at the ripe age of 100 . If you don't know who she is, you should probably read Anne Frank's diary. Well, you should read her diary for more than just info about this woman. Anyhow,Miep (and I'm not exactly sure how to pronounce her name, but I like to say "meep" in my head. cause it's fun) and her husband helped hide the Franks in the Annex. And she actually lived to tell about it after it was raided. The only reason I'm talking about this is because I saw a quote the was recently attributed by her and it struck me.

"Imagine young people would grow up with the feeling that you have to be a hero to do your human duty. I am afraid nobody would ever help other people, because who is a hero? I was not. I was just an ordinary housewife and secretary."

At first, I was irritated. I felt like she was completely taking the humble path to the extreme and it was annoying. I didn't see why she just wouldn't accept this deserving compliment. But the more I thought about it, she has a good point. When we so commonly throw around the term "hero, " it does change the definition. And as she so strongly felt, she was acting out her responsibility as a human to help others in need.
So here's my question:
Can people act heroically without actually being a hero?
 I'm not sure. It still might be too early for me to really think about that. Help me out. And bring me a latte.

Cheers.

Because I should be working...

It happens. You wake up and BAM. "Where am I?" Those few moments between sleep and awake can be quite alarming. I've been living there for a few weeks now. Haha. But it's getting better, I swear.
This place that I'm at, this new life I've chosen, is definitely different from anything I could have ever imagined. But I love it. I honest-to-God do. Because it's different. And I'm a creature of much habit who becomes too complacent with being content in my scene of normalcy. That can get a little dangerous.
So things are shaking up a bit.
Have you ever been sitting on a couch and just realize that your life could seem so meaningless? I'm really hoping you're saying "yes" so I'm not the only one. I've been struggling a little with this lately. Mostly because emotions are awesome. And guilt and fear is something that can consume your entire being. But there's a power bigger than emotion, and I'm learing to grab onto it again. I can't deny that I'm right where I'm supposed to. I just kind of wish I could get a little further ahead just a wee bit faster. Oh, the desires of the flesh. How wonderful. Haha.
And that's me. This is where I've been. And these are a few things I'm looking forward to:
Fall. Fall fall fall. Everything that comes with it. And spending it with my amazing husband in our too-big but kick-butt house.
Getting back into my regular exercise schedule. It MUST happen.
Finding out what's really living inside Megan's wall. I think it's a trapped house elf.
Renewing my drivers license and being able to get the little heart put on it for organ donor.
Getting closer with my family. Who ever thought that would happen?!Learning. I thought I already knew everything. Boy, was I wrong.
Stars Hollow.
Wearing sweaters and sweatshirts. Nothing beats comfy clothes.
Bringing out my "warmer" parfumes for the cooler seasons.
Getting a new microwave.
Pumpkin-flavored anything and everything.
New music from Paramore, Muse, and 3DG. Heck. Yes.
Letting go. And letting God.

Ah thank you.
Grace be with you.