Swimming Lessons

Once again drowning
This time different surroundings
But the environment is known all too well
Light hits the surface
But is there even a purpose
When I'm so far under I can't even tell

Submerging myself
Giving into the surroundings
Surely life exists under this surface as well
But my body resists the notion
The dream to live in this ocean
Will surely surrender to the painful swell

They say storms will pass
And I'll remember the day
When the sun lights up the cloudless skies
Should I wait it out treading
And fight the calmness that I'm dreading
For another storm coming that causes me to dive

I need a life saver
A raft to take me to safety
To never set foot near the ocean again
To live purely on land
I'll bury my feet in the sand
And bid farewell to the sea of pain

Quote it up.

I keep getting smacked in the head with "living in the moment" lessons from people who I think have good intentions, but intentions don't constitute fact or truth.
Up at 2 in the morning. Laying. Thinking. Praying. Cursing. Reading. Lots of words swimming in my mind's eye. I see them all. Especially ones I try to turn a blind eye to. No luck.
I've found that Nietzsche can be a pretty funny guy. I don't agree with everything he says. That doesn't mean I don't find him to be truthful in some things.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
See? Funny.
Then I turned to kind of what I see as Nietzsche's polar oppostite; Kierkegaard. I've found him to be a comfort. More of a warmth I get from hugging my pastor. Or the feeling of sitting through a coffee date with a friend who you admire, listening to them talk for a good 20 minutes and thinking "Man, that totally makes sense and I think I've become more intelligent because of it."
Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.
Lots to chew on. Words from men that lived well over 100 years ago. Weird.

Speechless.

But not really. Because otherwise I wouldn't be writing. It'll be short though because I still have a hard time believing the past two weeks. And I keep learning more that makes it even more painful. What do I do with it? Deal. Pray for them. Pray for myself. Hope I never meet another like them. Two times is more than enough.
My colors change
Like the leaves have started
I never dreamed
That one day we'd part
But fall has come
And fallen, I have

More than...

I understand convenience. I understand the need/strong desire to fix what's wrong as soon as possible. And I think that's possible for some things, thankfully. But for others, notsomuch.
I want to be more than a bandaid. I want to be more than a good feeling that takes away the symptoms but doesn't heal the disease. It can be an unhealthy yoyo lifestyle to get into, back and forth, a perpetual game of tennis that stings and soothes with every rally.
Haha, I've played that game. A lot. I think it's becoming easier to recognize, at least. And I think I have the right mindset and heart to deal with it like God would want me to. At least, I hope it's how he wants me to.
2 more days til 28. Still sounds so crazy to me.
I wanna kick it off right.

journaling. blogging. what's the diff?

People keep telling me to journal. Isn't this basically the same thing? Probably not. I tend to censor names and actual events online. But it still is helpful, I find.
I made yet another step forward yesterday. A small one, but with a couple hundred more, I may be in a completely different place. That's the hope, anyway.
I have a lot of options. Options I didn't know were out there. Funny how things don't just fall into your lap. Hmm. Interesting.
Here's to moving forward and keeping my eyes open for God. And trying not to forget where I've come from.

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophies.

It's definitely getting cooler. 60 degrees this morning at 6:30. I drove up to Safeway on 29th to get coffee creamer for work. It felt like the beginning of fall. Usually I'd be bubbling up with joy inside. I love the drive up Rockwood Blvd. It reminds me of the fall. The fall is my favorite. It saved me last year. This year, I wonder if it can do the same.
KT Tunstall Pandora. All day long.
Meeting with someone today who can maybe shed some light on changes that could take place for me. I'm really hoping it goes well.
I overcame one hurdle this weekend. My sister is my best friend. She loves me no matter how much of a failure I feel like I am.
One step at a time.

10 226.7816 days

I know old people. I know young kids. I know in betweens and some my age. I can remember two specific points in time where I believe my life changed significantly, like a lightening bolt that struck me twice within 5 years. 

Looking back, those moments don't change. They're still very much real. But my life now is nowhere what it was then, despite their realities. Now, I find myself wishing another bolt would come and strike again. Maybe I need to stand outside during the storm and hold up my umbrella. I already feel the rain soaking through. Even when change happens, and it paralyzes you with pain that starts emotionally but consumes your physicality...you wish it would keep going. I have to keep going.

28 years.

Even if I learned one significant lesson each year to hold 28 lessons in my hands, you would think that would make me somewhat wise. 28 major life lessons isn't anything to scoff at. I'm pretty sure I was faced with more than one a year...so what I should know and believe should be pretty well on its way to being concrete. Experience creates wisdom, right? Maybe?

Right now isn't one of those times. Questioning everything I've learned. Everything. Does that count as faith? Or a doubter's anthem. 

Solomon felt like a child when God gave him his Father's throne. Looks like I'm not the only one who feels like a kid trapped in an adult world. 

I want wisdom.

Happy birthday to me.