2 years too long.

It's odd admitting that my brain has actually forgotten so many memories from the past two years. I can recall some events, sure. But ask me the dates and I'll give you a blank stare.

Fine by me.

Here I am again. Returning to blogging. I haven't even journaled in ages. Yet here I am. 

With a New Year upon the world, I don't have a lot to say. Actually, I have too much to say. I'll save that for another time.

I've been praying for you. For love to find you. 

Revisit

Learning who I am and becoming comfortable (not in the sense of "feeling comfortable") with my decisions has been a heavy burden to carry. Along the way I've had all of the human highs and lows possible. Empathy to apathy. I've been stuck for the past few months. Although in my mind, I'm conscious of my life, my spirit has felt trapped. I haven't fed it with anything other than emotions. And even if some of those feelings were happy and thankful, they weren't genuine enough. And I became reliant upon others to make me feel valued, to determine my happiness. Time to break the habit.
I took tonight to reflect. Not just on myself. But who I was. And definitely who I want to be. I started with going on a walk and listening to music that could invoke thought, pure thought and questions that require answers. There's no way in hell I'll find them in one afternoon. So I came to the Service Station to read the Bible to start fresh and search for a good place to find these answers.
I can't even begin to describe to you all of the events that have come into my life within the past two years. Some resulted from my choices. Others, life events. Reading in Romans, I come along instruction that directly relate to past failures. Past choices that changed my life and brought me to this exact point in time. It hurts, the humiliation that I was so selfish. And if I wanted to, I could easily become overwhelmed with guilt and self-destruction.
So I kept going.
I found grace. And hope. And faith. And even though I don't completely understand how it all ties together, I know where my foundation lies. I don't believe in the condemnation that some preach against those who don't share the same views. Why should I focus on why someone is so wrong that they should spend an eternity in hell? I'm tired of the scare tactics that encourage us to live a righteous life.
I want Love. True Love. God's Love. The issue becomes now of not accepting this mere thought, but continuing to practice and study and learn. I'm great at repeating thoughts and learned truths. But practicing it it another.
This is a small step that has a huge impact. And I'm going to keep moving towards this direction.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God' people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13

No exceptions. Even those who disagree with me..

Woohoo!

Today is one of those days where you can't help but be annoyingly happy. Things are going so well that I can't stop smiling! Gotta give props to those who keep me in their prayers and love me unconditionally. The blessings in my life are definitely overflowing today. Small gestures can become huge landmarks, and I'm going to keep on trying to see them every waking moment.
Fact. No matter where I've been, what I've done, God will keep giving you blessings if you search for them and thank him for it.
"Watch. Learn. And don't eat my cookie."- Phoebe Buffay

I have a reason to sing.

Biggest blessing: forgiveness of my ignorance
Biggest problem: looking to others for validation
Biggest issue: continuing to listen to my desires to be completed by one person who doesn't feel the same way about me
Biggest strength: God never leaves my side
Biggest weakness: costumed words
Biggest goal: to let myself be me
Biggest smile: God really did make me special. Some people call it weird. But I call it Kasey.

Something new.

Peaceful sadness. It's quite beautiful. I've found that when I really focus on how I've ended up here, in this spot in time, I tend to dwell on my past mistakes. But I can change that into what not to do the next time a similar situation rears its head.
And praying. Always back to praying. Not just for what I need. But what God wants from me. Hard? Heck yes. Worth it? Always.

"And the worst part is, before it gets, any better we're headed for a cliff. And in the free-fall I will realize I'm better off, when I hit the bottom."

Thankful for...

I'm thankful for my family, even if we don't see things on the same page. I've had a life growing up that a lot of others only see on tv. Not that we were rich and glamorous by any means. But I grew up with a lot of support and love. Even if the support isn't complete anymore, there's still love. And for that I will always be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Had David Bowie in my head since last night. I'm not really complaining. It could be worse. It is quite fitting. My last day at St. Luke's Rehabilitation Institute. Crazy.
I won't go on about the ups and downs. They're there. And I'm very thankful.
Now on towards something different. I'm ready.
There's not one person I've ever come across that hasn't said "I wish I could start over" at some point in their life.
Here's my chance.

Put out the fire.

Going through therapy and reading a lot self-help books is something I never thought about growing up. "When I'm in my late 20s, I want to be an emotional wreck and go through counseling." Hahaha. But things happen. Patterns form. Not just physical patterns like smoking or drinking or over-eating, but mental patterns. And for me, they aren't/weren't the healthiest. Anyone who's gotten to know me within the last 4 years can easily agree to this. I'm not proud by any means. I'm not making excuses. Just stating facts. If anything, it's humbling because how embarassing it is for me to think about the past. I can't do anything but change. Continuing in that lifestyle can no longer be a possibility.
The thing I really, really like about my therapist is the material she's given me. Anything from books to quotes to printed-off handouts. They always relay to one thing: Myself. My character. What I'm capable of doing. Instead of focusing on what I can't do, it's about what I can do. I've been to a counselor before, and this wasn't even close to how it went. He was very sweet. But he became one of the most expensive listeners I've ever encountered. No advice. No facts about psychology. Maybe that works for others, and that's wonderful.
So I've been studying up on behavior. I won't pull a Tom Cruise here, no worries. But it does make complete sense to me. My problem isn't recognizing unhealthy behavior. It's staying the hell away from it.
Someone used the example of forming a habit by touching fire. When you first get close to a flame, you feel the heat. When you put your hand into it, it hurts. Your body forms a physical pathway to your brain telling you that fire = pain. A neurological pathway. Some reactions are more obvious than others, but the point is the more you do something, the more pathways are made and the easier it is to do whatever it is you're doing.
Duh.
So how do I break it? Because I have an inclination to keep walking towards it, how do I put out the fire? For me, I've learned that pulling myself out of situations is key. I've heard lots of smokers talk about triggers that make it nearly impossible to quit smoking whenever they encounter one. So they avoid the trigger altogether to be successful.
Makes sense, again.
What I'm trying to balance is judgement, too. I have friends that say "you're better than so and so" or "they're not good enough for you." I understand what they're saying. But I really believe that I'm not. We all have struggles. Every single person. Even the ones who look like they have it all together. I see this as something else that connects people. I'm not better than them. Pretty sure Jesus never said "I'm better than you."
What it comes down to. I can't help a drowning man if my arms and legs are broken. Let the healing continue.

Charlie Brown

This is my happy song from Mylo Xyloto. Plus it reminds me of my bro-in-law so it makes me smile whenever it comes on. Today I need lots of smiles. Half a Snickers? Okay :) And actually, I had a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got out of my exit interview. Cheers for pumpkin lattes from good friends!

Jam session last night. It's been a while since I've had one. Actually, I think it was late spring. That's too long for a musician to go. Warming up is always different. At least for me. Sometimes I just sit there not motivated. The guitarists and keyboardists can lead their own song by themselves. Plink away here. Strum there. A song forms. Drummers, notsomuch. So I sit. And wait. Because when I start going it gets insanely loud. I think boy drummers like that aspect. Trying out some new songs started out intimidating but once you cut loose...there's really no description. I love how formatic it is. Trying to hit the right tom at the right time. Trying to play outside the box. So hard when natural rhythm kicks in. I explained it to someone like a puzzle. It can complete a song or completely destroy it. I play how I feel. I use intuition. Sure, I wish I was more learned. If I put in the time and money, I could be. But for the most part, I like how I play. It's simple. But always there (except for the total bummer mess-ups hahaha). It builds when it needs to and fades away when called for. It's me.
There are three things in my life that really portray who I am:
My name.
My clothes.
My drumming.

If my life had a time signature, it'd be 3/4 to 6/8. Like Paramore's My Heart. But without the emo screaming...

6 years in the making.

Officially my last week of work and it's sinking in today. A lot of people have said their "goodbye"(s) and "we'll miss you"(s). Interesting how quickly words can travel. Interesting and scary, actually.
I'm excited for my new job. Mostly excited to meet new people. I'm really fortunate that I've met such wonderful hearts here. But I like going out and seeing who else can give me a new perspective. Who else I can learn from. We'll see if I have this attitude after next week...woohoo, Yakima! Miner Burger everynight? I think so. Okay, not really. I don't want to have to buy new jeans.
Scripture for the day that hits home EVERY.TIME.
Romans 5:3-5.

Woohoo!

Coldplay's new album came out today and I'm declaring that it's the only music I'll listen to today. Well. Except for the background music that I'm really trying to block out from my coworker's computer. Soft rock has a place and time...just not everyday. Last week in one day, it went from Gloria Estefan to Shania Twain to Rod Stewart.
*shudder*
Surprisingly, the duet with Rihanna isn't as bad as I expected. It's quite catchy.
Maybe I'm losing my mind. Or just determined to fall in love with this album. Music never lets me down.

Healing Act

Thousands of seconds chasing one day
Countless desires chasing you away
I once believed it was the right place but wrong time
Dumbfounded, I admit you were never meant to be mine
A strike on the hand, I'd take for a forgotten heart
Beating but pleading for a newly resistant part
Don the mask of makeup to keep playing the immortal role
Released, I renounce the grasp of a hopeful soul

1 John 4:7&8

Now I have that insanely cheesy song I learned from VBS stuck in my head. At least I memorized a scripture, right? Oh, the days of Father Abraham and The Lord told Noah to build him an arkey-arkey.
Experienced something new today. Being called a rather hateful name is something I'm not used to. I can only recall being called a really rude word once in my life. Today, another one came my way. And you know what? It made me feel sad for the person whose lips it came out of. I didn't do anything to warrant it. He just has so much anger in himself, he thought he'd feel better if he tore me down. It's too bad.
I'm thankful I didn't let it hurt me. I'm thankful that I'm not angry like that. I'm thankful God is bigger than name calling. I'm not saying this like I'm exempt from being angry or even petty name calling. It's a lesson, though. 
Here's to lessons.

Proverbs 13:20

My reasonings aren't excuses for the mistakes I've made. And I'll admit to why I thought at one point they were. Everyday goes by, and I think about my more recent ones. Everyone has them. And those who love you accept them. Holds you responsible, but accepts them. Even bring them to your attention so you can realize what you've done. Not throw them in your face to make you feel bad. I've done that, too. And sometimes my gut reaction might be to do so still. But deep down I know everybody deserves forgiveness.
We're all the same.

Not overcome by failure
But overcome by grace
Delivered forgiveness waiting
Each time I fall on my face
Not worthy of another beginning
Yet allowed each time with Love
Am I strong enough to do the same thing
What's my heart capable of?

Overcast

Destructive weather
Am I set in your path
How long will I stand
In the storm of your wrath
Can I protect my flesh
Against the whip of your wind
Is it possibly to stay dry
When you're soaking my skin
Do I bow to your power
Or call you for what you are
A force beyond my control
A force that pushes too hard
I've always been one
For the cold and rainy days
But God, I need warmth as well
For my sanity to stay
Jacket.Hat.Gloves.Scarf.
Always worn to protect my heart.

And when it rains...

Ode to Paramore today. Yet another band/artist that keeps comforting me throughout this transition. I'm thankful I have them. Emotions aside, it was a rather good weekend, for which I'm also thankful that I have some wonderful people in my life who continue to help me take steps everyday. Pepper spray now in hand, I'm equipped with a few different types of weapons, physical and spiritual, that are making me stronger for daily challenges.
Okay. I may have been playing a little too much 360...I won't compare myself to XMen... :S
Random thought.
I don't want to stop seeing good in people. For the time being, I've shut it down so I can put myself back together. But eventually, when I'm stronger, I want to give back. To listen. To offer advice (if I have anything worth saying, God help me). To give someone a ride or to make someone's lunch. Because I love those things. Giving those things to someone makes me want to live everday. Maybe Joey was right. Maybe there is no good deed that isn't selfish. I'll keep living like Phoebe, though. But I won't sting myself with a bee. Lesson learned.

By the way. Thoroughly confused.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15060310

Breezy Current

Have you ever had that feeling where there's a window in the background, and you can tell trees and bushes are moving outside in the breeze, but it's not until you actually stop what you're doing and sit still and look out and it's like..being pushed backward through a tunnel? Because all of these thoughts the run through your mind give you the impression that you're moving and the outside stands still. Maybe your fingers are from typing or texting or your eyes are from reading. Busy, busy, busy. Kinda like when you're walking on a bridge and the water is rushing so quickly underneath and then when you pause and look into the current, it almost knocks you off your feet.
Stop.
My world's moving. And I'm trying to keep up. Why am I so afraid to stop and let it turn a little? Eventually, everything comes back around. Well, the things that are supposed to. Right?
Right.

I was tired of January. Tired of June

I felt a change a comin. Whoaa-ohhh-ohhh
Yeah yeah. I keep talking about change. Guess that doesn't change...*bah-dum-dum. Plus KT Tunstall is always in my head, so today it's that song.
I'm trying extra hard to be excited about this weekend. Doing a few things I normally wouldn't do, but overall I believe are good for me. Plus I know two peeps that are getting tats and that's something to always look forward to! Well. Unless it's a portrait of JLo or something.
One of the ARNPs at work is leaving next week and I'm really going to miss her. It's funny how our work relationship has changed. She was a little frightening before, but now I think she's delightful...even though she just yelled at me for not finding a chart (which was already in the piled she picked). I like it. She told me she thinks I should go back to school because she doesn't believe I'm utilizing my full potential. I asked what she meant because, hellooo, I work in Medical Record and I haven't been over-exerting myself for almost a year now. How would she know what I'm capable of? She said she can tell that I have intelligence and wit that shouldn't be wasted here just from our conversations. Odd, since I thought I was mostly sarcastic and dry whenever we'd chat. When I mentioned some of my future prospects, she got really excited for me. So. That's rather encouraging.
Yes, I did just honk my own horn. Feels good.

Wow.

And I'm complaining about how dark it's getting by 8pm..
http://isanglitrongliwanag.org/

Dawn's quote.

The people that you choose to let influence you will determine your life path, and the excuses you succumb to will only serve to dilute the truth and hinder your growth as a person.